Communicating with your teen

Is your teen struggling with insecurity and self-doubt? Do you wish you could help, but it feels like everything you say or do is wrong?

The answer may be simpler than you think...

As parents, there is nothing more painful than sitting on the sidelines of our children’s heartbreak. We want to fix it, make it go away. We go to great lengths (and sometimes, great expense) to curate the perfect wardrobe, enroll in the tae kwon do classes that promise to “build confidence”, ensure participation in the best sports, youth groups, and camps. Our life experiences tell us that the pain is temporary, that the intensity of the feelings will diminish over time. Yet, our efforts to dull the pain fall short more often than not, and even lead to arguing, shouting and crying.. Or worse.

What are we missing?

In our desire to make the pain go away, many of us fall victim to patterns that may actually send dismissive or condescending messages to our teens. Rather than jumping straight to advice, cheerleading, minimizing, finding the “bright side,” and/or blaming or criticizing others, give your teen what they truly need from you in emotional moments… VALIDATION.

And to answer the question I know you’re thinking right now... No. Validating your teen’s feelings DOES NOT have to mean that you agree with them or condone their behaviors. It simply means you hear what they are saying and understand how they are feeling WITHOUT JUDGMENT.

Here’s how it’s done:

1. Make sure you are calm before engaging. Your child will likely be emotionally vulnerable and will need you to maintain an open and empathic yet emotionally neutral stance. Take your time to make sure you are ready. It is more important to be CALM and OPEN than to deal with the issue immediately.

2. Give your child your COMPLETE attention. Put your phone in another room. Close the door. You have one focus in this moment… your child.

💡Pro tip… DON’T BE AFRAID OF SILENCE. So often, silence makes us uncomfortable. Your child may just need a little time and space to formulate thoughts and words to share. Remember, this is new for them too.

3. Reflect your child’s words WITHOUT JUDGING (you can rephrase to show understanding). For example, “You invested a lot of time in your friendship with Kaitlyn when she was new to town. You gave her a chance when no one else would. Now, you feel like she’s snubbing you since she’s made friends with the popular group. That hurts.”

⚠️WARNING: In this example, the parent may have been tempted to talk about how Kaitlyn was never really that nice anyway, or how much of a jerk Kaitlyn is, or how shallow the “popular” kids are, and your child would never want to hang out with them anyway. These are the responses that can invalidate your child’s feelings, and lead to a shut-down of the conversation.

4. Ask questions for clarification and to confirm understanding (i.e., “Did I get that right?”, “Am I missing anything?”, “Is there anything else you’d like to add?”).

5. When your child is ready, and only after the emotional intensity has subsided, you may begin to problem-solve TOGETHER. Invite your child to participate in the process with you so they have ownership of the solution.

And that’s it… it is way simpler than adding tae kwon do to the schedule, and can be so much more fulfilling.