Handling Parenting Mistakes

The guilt is overwhelming. You yelled. You overreacted. You lost control. You said something unforgivable… and to someone you love more than anything. Maybe you did something you’re ashamed of and your child saw or heard. What now???

First of all, you’re certainly not alone. There is not a parent out there that can’t relate to these feelings of guilt and shame. We have all been through it, likely multiple times. Second, congratulations! What an incredible opportunity you have! Don’t waste it!

So often, we tell our children (as they lie to our faces about eating cookies through chocolate-stained teeth) that the best course of action in these situations is for them to own up to their mistakes. We want them to demonstrate great humility as they admit what they did, apologize, and vow to do better next time (difficult as this may be for most adults). I’ve seen it again and again… hours-long standoffs as parents (or teachers) wait for the epiphany that may never come.

Now, in the face of your own mistake, you have the chance to SHOW your children what TELLING them has yet to accomplish. How lucky are you??? And, as with most difficult situations, the HOW is actually pretty straightforward, but be prepared. It can also feel scary and vulnerable.

1. The first step is to think about what you expect of your child when the roles are reversed. Should they make excuses? Blame others? Should they minimize? Should they lie? I’m guessing that the answer to these questions is “no”. What should they do instead? They should tell the truth, acknowledge that what they did hurt someone, and apologize. Sincerely.

2. These are the same steps you can take when you’re the one who messed up. It could go something like this: “When I screamed at you earlier, I could see that you were scared and sad. I am so sorry.” No excuses, no “I’m sorry but…”, no extra talking*. Simple. Powerful. But not over.

3. What you do next really matters. Using the power of the emotional aftermath of the incident, take the opportunity to really examine what happened and why. Usually, mistakes of this nature don’t just happen. Was there an emotional trigger? Were you hungry, tired, stressed, angry? Were you dealing with something at work? With your co-parent? The more you can know about your emotional and/or physical state just before the incident or outburst, the more you can do to prevent it next time. The real power of an apology comes when we can show an effort to not repeat the same mistakes (at least not right away).

It is a dangerous game we play when we try to shield our children from our imperfections. In fact, the opposite is true. Let them see your humanity. Let them see that messing up is part of life. Teach them, by example, that it is not about whether or not you make a mistake. It’s about how you use it to grow. How else will they learn?

*Please don’t use your apology as a chance to rehash the thing your child did wrong that led to the screaming in the first place. At the same time, just because you made a mistake doesn’t mean that your child gets out of addressing that issue. Just separate the conversations.