The Secret to Winning the Parenting Game...

Want the secret to winning the parenting game?

Stay F^#*ing Calm!!!

In over 20 years of working with kids and families, I’ve become acquainted with several different parenting/teaching/”behavior management” programs and techniques... I’ve even trained others in a few. While there are nuanced differences between each of these programs (different words, slightly different order), they all have one critical component in common… they require that the caregiver is calm, focused and emotionally neutral.

The books and articles say that being calm is the MOST IMPORTANT factor required to master their program, yet they typically spend approximately 0.3% of the content (give or take) on the subject. You may be asking yourself, “How can I be calm when my child is yelling at the top of their lungs in Target?” “How does this author expect me to be emotionally neutral when my child is doing parkour on the furniture at bedtime?” or worse, “My child is hurling hideous insults at me. How on Earth do I not take this personally?”

The blanket expectation to simply “be” calm without practical strategies for how is where I believe even the best parenting programs and strategies fall short. Here are three tangible steps you can take to discover the unicorn known as “Calm”. Do these first, and you’ll be able to master any parenting tactic out there…

1. NOTICE

This may sound odd, but take a mindful moment to recognize what “calm'' feels like. What do you notice in your body? Take note of your heart rate, your breathing, your muscle tension, your body temperature, your posture. What about your mind? Assess the intensity of your feelings, the quality and pacing of your thoughts.

Most of us (especially those with small children) spend every waking moment, either at work or at home, in survival mode. We go frenetically from task to task until wearily hitting our pillows at night only to do it again the next day. So, when we are asked to “be calm”, we may not TRULY know what that means. How can we aim if we don’t know where the target is?

2. PLAN

With your self-assessment in mind, find 1-3 strategies that can help get you to a calm and emotionally neutral state. They can be deep breathing, visualization, grounding techniques, and more (click here for a list of options). These strategies should be quick, simple, and you should be able to do them anywhere without any special equipment or supplies. (For example, if your best calming strategy is doing Yoga on a beach, that might not be the best strategy for a parenting moment in Costco.) Please don’t make this complicated… For me, standing still and taking one or two deep breaths with my eyes closed usually does the trick.

3. PRACTICE

You would never deliver a presentation, perform in a concert, play in the finals, take a test, or do anything else important without practicing first. We ask children to practice fire and lock-down drills repeatedly. Why? Because WHEN IT MATTERS, they will know exactly what to do. Their safety depends on it. This is no different. PLEASE do not wait until the tantrum in the Target toy aisle to use your calming strategies for the first time… it will be too late. You’ll be too emotional and too worked up to remember anything, and you’ll find yourself reverting to old parenting habits that have already proven unsuccessful.

Find multiple times during each day, even 1 minute at a time (in the shower, at your desk at work between meetings, on the toilet, in the car if you have to), to bring yourself to the calm and emotionally neutral state you identified in step one. Practice enough, and WHEN IT MATTERS, you’ll be a pro. Prioritize your practice. Your family is worth it.